I could also have titled this “SITTING ON THE PORCH OF MY BRAIN.”
“WITH A VIEW OF THE ABYSS”
“EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE ABYSS”
“MAKE THE ABYSS PART OF YOUR PERSONAL BRAND”
“I’VE BEEN AT IT FOR YEARS”
“CAPITALIZE ON YOUR BULLSHIT”
“WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT”
“NONE OF THESE ARE TITLES”
‘NOW I’M JUST TALKING”
“ABOUT: THE WHAT NOW? FEELING”
I do what I tell me to because of how it makes me feel once I’ve done it. A little terrified and like my brain is too clean. With enough clean space in my brain I can scare myself quite nicely, thinking about what more there might be to think about than the scatter of small things I tell myself to do and frequently don’t. If I don’t do what I tell myself to it is as a comfort, so that all the disrespected suggestions can hover above my head making a safety-ceiling for my thoughts to cower under. I seek protection from the pressure of greater considerations and this I can provide.
Or, I don’t seek protection and I do what I’ve suggested and the doing clears away the undone thoughts and I work my way a little higher up onto the top of my head and I can see more.